Sibling Strife

Sibling Strife

In spite of the similar upbringing, they think and act differently only to create chaos everyday. What are the reasons that brings about some differences in the characters of sibling,...

“Mom, how dare she open my cupboard?”; “Dad, tell her not to touch my toys next time.” Aren’t you tired of listening to such statement everyday? For sure, if you have more than one child, this is one of the daily routine of your household? From the time the second child is born in the family, such conflicts are bound to begin. They are born and brought up in the same atmosphere, under same guidance, yet so unlike. Their eyes, nose and some other features too, look quite alike but their thinking might differ invariably. They fight among themselves for the same toys, pillow, books, attention or even for a particular side of the bed but support each other like the best pals in times of adversity.

Whether, they are elder- younger or even twins and no matter however, compatible they are, clashes, disagreements, quarrels, and conflicts are an unavoidable aspect of their relationship. More important is to take care that, these collide do not take up the shape of any kind of hatred or ill-feelings.

What are the most common causes, that create bumps in the siblings’ relation?

Attention-seeker

This characteristic of a kid can be observed from a very early stage of his life. Remember the day when your younger sibling stepped into the world, how did you react to it? Felt glad or bad? Well, Dinesh, an engineering student now, confesses that, after his younger sister Amrita was born, he felt neglected, “…as I was only 7 years old then and being the only child in the family, that too a male child, you can imagine the kind of treatment given to me. After all, I was used to the pampering by all. After Amrita was born, I could see my position tumbling, as I felt that she had captured everybody’s attention, which was only my possession.” Surely, this is not the case today, they share a very colloquial and comfortable relation now.

Unlike Dinesh, Sonal (who was 8 years old then), was overfilled with joy, when she saw her younger sister for the first time in the hospital. Sonal already had a younger brother and she was quite used to the practice of being called as an “elder person” by the family members.

Requirements

Or better words to put in will be evolving needs. Throughout their lives kids undergo several levels of changes where their priorities and identities changes. Let’s say, a tot is protective of his toys and if the other attempts to touch it, he might turn aggressive. Similarly, teenagers develop a different concept of equality and thus might fail to understand why their siblings falling under separate age groups are treated differently. Also, as they develop a sense of individuality and independence, they might rail against taking care of younger siblings or household responsibilities. Thus, the different phases of life also influence the way kids fight with one another.

Age Gap

The age gap also plays an influencing factor in deciding the nature of relationship the siblings share. Both positive as well as negative! Here, let’s take an example of Suraj (27), an executive and his younger sister Sunaina in her teens, who share an age difference of 13 years. “It’s so obvious that, I can not be frank and share things with my elder brother, as others do it. There’s a generation gap between us, not only in our age but also in our thoughts, thinking, opinions, and simply everything. Although, we do not fight over anything, but at the same time we don’t even agree for anything,” expresses Sunaina.

Well, on the other hand, it is generally observed that siblings with lesser age gap tend to be more close and comfortable with each other. I came across two sisters both in their early twenties (20’s). They feel at ease while sharing similar thoughts, clothes, other personal stuffs and even discussing their experiences (which at times, are difficult to talk about to anyone else). This is only because there’s more understanding among them as they are passing through the similar phase of life.

Replicate

Children learn from their surroundings. Most of all, they replicate their parents. The way in which you (parents) solve your problems sets a strong example for them. Therefore, if you and your spouse solve conflicts in a way that’s respectful, productive, and not aggressive, possibly your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your kids see you habitually shout, slam doors, and provoking loud arguments when you have problems, they’re likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

Comparison

Often parents and specially the older members of the family, have this tendency to compare the children with each other, in terms of academics (first and foremost), behaviours, looks, personalities and a whole lot of things. This may lead to an ill-feeling of jealousy or animosity and even bitterness. Often the different treatments given to them based on gender or age also ignites conflicts among them.

What can parents do?

Well, no body else know your children as better as you know them, right? If ever there are any conflicts among them, you as a parent are the best person who can solve it. Also the best reason is that, you must have faced similar situations earlier in your lives and can understand where exactly the problem lies. Certainly, parents are the best guides for children, but here are a few guidelines as to how you can handle the intricate situations, rather I would say, try and avoid them before arising.

Elder Child: It is very important for the first child (or an elder child) to understand his/ her responsibilities as an elder sibling. He should be felt trusted and a responsible person who can take care of the younger one rather than feeling burdened, an in-charge and answerable. This will help him in being affectionate towards the younger one rather than insecure and jealous.

Avoid Comparison:Parents should understand that your kids are different from each other. Their habits, nature, qualities, choices, likes-dislike, etc, all may differ invariably. Understand them. Well, you may seldom compare one with another with a positive vision of bringing about an improvement, but it may take a reverse turn. This needs to be done skillfully, and as far as possible avoid comparison.

Inculcate the Values: Since childhood, nurture the good thoughts in them and also the advantages of being together. Make them appreciate each others’ companionship and also realise the value of the deeds they do for each other. Also teach them to talk it out in case of any misunderstandings and keep a tendency to solve the problem peacefully.

Don’t Always Jump In: Allow your kids to handle their problems on their own. Avoid interfering unless it is too critical. Due to your regular interference, the kids will always wait for you to handle the problem rather then solving it out themselves, which indeed might lead to bigger problems.

Set Up Rules: Practicing the rules is as essential as setting them up, especially, in the initial juncture of their lives. They should be aware that cursing, name- calling, etc, are not acceptable and that there are certain consequences to be faced, if they break the rules. This will also teach them to be responsible for their activities rather than blaming others.

Make Them Feel Important: Every child, wants to be felt important and precious. No matter however busy you are, make it a point to give them enough time and appreciate them for small gestures, equally. Remember, you may not ignore them purposely, but any unintentional or inattentive act might make them feel ignored.

Family Meetings: Conducting family meeting, say once in a week or month, proves to be useful, particularly, when you have school going children at home. Repeating the rules and keeping a check that they are been followed becomes easy.

These days, parents are very understanding and are best friends to their kids, but often after a particular period of life, say teenage, kids find difficulty in including or taking parents’ opinion in their personal matters. Then it’s siblings whom one can look up to. While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it’s very common for brothers and sisters to fight. These fights and quarrels are a part and parcel of this relation, where you swing back and forth, between adoring and detesting one other!